I won’t put down the reasons why as I feel they’re personal.
But I will Share my story with you.
Obviously at 10 I didn’t know what it was then I just constantly felt sad and wanted to cry all the time. I didn’t realise what it was until the age of 12. I didn’t think it was so much of a problem that I had to tell someone, I felt it was easier if I stayed quiet, I mainly kept myself to myself in school, I used to get scared walking past groups of people. I started to get bullied for reasons I can’t even remember being called all sorts of names people throwing stuff at me in class, laughing at me behind my back. I guess I couldn’t take it no more. I was 13 and I was sat in my bathroom I seen razor blades on the side and something was telling me to take the razor apart and hurt myself, my mind was saying ‘hurt yourself you deserve it’ so I did, at first the cuts weren’t bad, only I didn’t know I’d continue with it and it would get much worse within time. It became a regular thing for me it was like my daily routine it made me feel so good when I hurt myself. The cuts started to become bigger and bigger but I didn’t matter to me, another long sleeved jumper to wear, one day I said I was ill just to stay home from school and while I was alone in the house I seen paracetamol on the work top, I grabbed them and took 12 I was only 13 and very scared so I just went back upstairs and slept all day, I woke up and knew I was a failure for not doing it, to back to the razors I went, I could never sleep through the nights and when I did I had nightmares, I never went out as I was too scared around people, I started skipping dinner in school id just drink water, I’d get home and say I was too full for dinner as id eaten loads in school, it became a regular habit, I stopped that after a while but carried on with the Self harming. Due to my school being shut down I had to move schools. WORST thing I ever did, the bullying got so bad, it was even coming home with me, by the time I started this new school I was In year 10 i had made a few friends but not many, all the kids at school knew my biological father and what he was and who he was and they started bullying me because him. I had a best friend she knew everything about me, all my secrets and she told everyone everything for no reason, they started bullying me really bad, I really couldn’t take it. The hardest part was finding ways to tell people I guess I felt ashamed of telling someone about everything as I felt as if I failed everyone. Pretending I was ok was the only thing I could ever do.
It was 2012 and my grandfather became ill, he was my rock, my everything, he was like a father to me, he looked after me, he took me in, he was my best friend and then he went into hospital, I went to visit him one day and I remember it like it was yesterday, I walked through the door to his ward, I seen how ill he was and I broke down straight away, I knew it was his time. I begged for him not to go. I needed him. It was 6.50pm Sunday February 19th and as I was holding him one last time and saying my goodbye’s he went right there in my arms, it was the worst day of my life I cried for days and days. I didn’t sleep at night thinking about him, it’s been 3 years this year and I still find it hard to cope without him. Anyway as the funeral came I couldn’t cope I broke down I couldn’t take it all in that he was gone. My depression got worse and worse, the doctor turned me away so I just got on with it on my own, I stopped eating properly and lost loads of weight. I self-harmed every single night, I tried committing suicide a few times but I guess my grandad was looking down on me because it never worked. I had cuts and scars all over me. My guardians had to eventually watch me eat my food, they would sit there watching me until I ate it, not knowing id go up to the toilet and make it all come back up so there wouldn’t be nothing in my system, id lie in the dark all day, I couldn’t cope with life anymore. Eventually it got so bad I tried ending my life. I took a crap load of different tablets and cut all my arms. My boyfriend helped me, he along with my guardians saved my life. My uncle and auntie (guardians) took me to the doctors and demanded I get help and they gave me antidepressants. I feel as if the antidepressants has taken away who I am, they don’t help with anything apart from sleeping, music and art helps me cope I’m still not 100% better but I will get there with the help of parents and my boyfriend and his family. I am proud to say I’m much more stronger and happier than I was last year.
Guys you can get help, your not alone and its never too late.